Wars of the Roses: battle of the crisps

For the first time in 6 centuries the noble counties of Yorkshire and Lancashire are at loggerheads over perceived territory and spheres of power and influence. But this time the question is not of monarchy or dynastic heritage but an argument over the humble – or not so humble as the case may be – crisp.

When I decided to stock crisps in the bar I didn’t think twice about getting Yorkshire crisps, what can I say, I’m cosmopolitan. But the choice has turned out to be one my most controversial decisions thus far, threatened only by the discussion of which flavoured hand soap to put in the mens’ bathroom.

It appears that by importing from such a far-flung, mysterious and foreign place I have broken all ties of loyalty and affiliation with my beloved Stretford and completely disregarded the strict moral principles of the company. I had basically gone against everything I stand for, for the sake of a Henderson’s Yorkshire Sauce crisp.

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After the problem had weighed on my conscience for a while I took a look at our ethos page and it did indeed appear to state that we try to buy local wherever possible. I conducted a quick but fruitless search for M32 crisps (though if anyone would like to set up a Stretford crisp fryer do please get in touch) and concluded that the closest possible crisps resided in Lancashire. It is unfortunate that there are no Manchester crisps but I comforted myself with the knowledge that Stretford was in Lancashire at one point (a customer told me this, I’m not sure if it’s true).

One problem remains – Lancashire crisps just don’t have the cool flavours that a Yorkshire crisp offers. After all, who can taste the exotic ‘Chardonnay wine vinegar’ Yorkshire crisp then be happy with a simplistic malt vinegared Lancshire crisp. What philistine prefers a ‘cheese and onion’ crisp to a ‘cheddar and caramelised onion chutney’ one. However, I’m a democrat at heart so I’m leaving the decision up to the worthy patrons of the bar. I haven’t yet decided whether to hold a basic poll or a more in-depth analysis, but once everyone’s had a chance to sample both options I’ll set up a feedback route in order that we can solve this (#firstworld) problem.

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I’m not sure the crisp was invented in the 15th century, but if it was, the question of crisp consumption must surely have been at the forefront within challenges to loyalty and provenance. I can only say that I’m honoured to be associated with such a great heritage.

Let battle commence.

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